What's Love Got To Do WIth It?

Have you ever been in love with the wrong person? Totally utterly in love with the wrong person? So, you can relate? I am totally and utterly in love with someone who doesn’t want to marry me. I see pictures of him and my heart melts. I see him calling and my heart races. I’ve got it bad. I wonder how long this will last. I keep hoping that with this cold winter weather my heart will freeze and become a cavern of frigid frost. Turns out, all those dancers poses, king pigeon poses, wheel poses and camel poses that I obsessively practiced last year to open my heart may have worked. One of my teachers says “Don’t work on the pose, let the pose work on you” Well, shit, the poses have worked on me. My heart is open. For years, I couldn’t get that thing to crack, now it’s stuck wide open. Can I stop love? Can it be done? I'll keep you posted...

Rishikesh Romance, Mr. Right...Now

I arrived in Mumbai excited for my cousin's wedding and completely ready for my potential arranged marriage (I had even picked out a beautiful Indian wedding outfit and trimmed down under), just to find out that women here are empowered now. At least in Mumbai, and in fact, they are so empowered that many women in their 30s are still waiting for the “right one.”  Shit!!!!!  They've caught the "right one" disease too.  I knew I was in trouble. Not only do people not care if their own female children get hitched, they DEFINITELY don’t care if I do.  I left Mumbai with a subtle sad face in my heart. L

We arrived in Rishikesh on Friday night.  The next day we went to a beautiful café overlooking the Ganga River. We sat down next to a blond guy, who, at first, I thought was German. He later told me he thought my cousin, Ashish (who is gay) and I were an Indian couple visiting this holy place.  Yeah, everyone thinks Ashish and I are a married couple from India. They obviously lack gaydar here.  Well, since there “aren’t any gay people in India,” I guess it makes sense.  Indians look at me and ask “husband?” about Ashish.  It’s very entertaining.  

I have enlightened my Indian cousins about a few crucial things they have clearly been missing out on. The most important one is facebook stalking. My cousin Tina who is totally stunning with a super thick Indian accent had no idea what the word stalking was and didn’t even understand the concept.  Ashish told her I have major stalking potential in which I replied, “Yeah, but I stalk for fun, not to kill.” IMPORTANT distinction! 

Back to the “German.” His name ended up being Moksha. He was from Vermont. We asked him if there was a good palm reader or astrologer around. Moksha didn’t know of any legit ones. I asked him if he’d read my palm. I was pretty impressed with his bullshit palm reading abilities. He spoke about how I need to trust, which, for those who know me know that’s a huge issue.

Ashish said he felt instant chemistry with Moksha and me. I was charmed by his energy and love of Rishikesh. He was charmed by my Windian (half white, half Indian) ways. We ended up hanging out for the next three days with Ashish as our chaperone.  It was beautiful. He was trying to get over his ex and obviously I am trying to get over mine. It was the perfect relationship. Love without any attachment. Although the first night, he went into this detailed three-year plan between us ending in marriage and children. Luckily, for both of us, by the next day he had come to his senses (there’s something super romantic about that place – it’s so easy to get caught up.) Moksha realized what this relationship served for both of us, which didn’t involve a future. Phew!! I could go back to completely enjoying the moment and letting my heart fully open without scrutinizing the shit out of him, which I am totally guilty of in “real” relationships.

My experience with Moksha was life changing.  He helped me do a gratitude ceremony to release the past and while I lit the candles and placed them in the Ganga, he chanted “swaha” and “om gum ganapateyei namaha.” We shared our lives with each other.  For him, I will be forever grateful. He was the perfect template. 

I realized that if I focus on being present, if I let my heart open, if I trust, if I simply love the other person, then there is no reason that a relationship can’t be easy and happy.

Here’s to hoping and wishing!

Hope Sahijwani

From Across the Pond

I leave today to visit my homeland, India. Say it with an Indian accent. “I leave today to visit my homeland.” Everything is so much more fun with an Indian accent!

I’m going to my cousin’s wedding. It’s kind of interesting that my roots come from a place in which women, for a very long time, had no choice in whom they married. And even now, arranged marriages happen. Can you imagine having to marry someone who repulses you?? Siting next to them on a plane for a few hours is bad enough! Maybe on some level I’m rebelling from all of that powerlessness.  I’ve taken that to an extreme, of course, and now when the first issue arises in my relationships, I want out immediately. Some call it flaky, yogis call it vata, most people call it insane!

I’m sitting on the airplane reflecting about everything that has occurred in the past few weeks. I am excited to get some (more like a lot of) distance for a little while.

I found myself exchanging numbers with another 24 year old in Starbucks. Rory totally caught me. I was meeting her at 8:00 am for tea before work to chat and she walked right in on the egregious act. She rolled her eyes and said he was cute.  Exchanging numbers with a cute boy at 8am IS a really nice way to start the day. I highly suggest it! Although it was the dead of winter, I had a little spring in my step for the rest of the day.  I am not sure what is up with Starbucks, 24 year olds and me. It must be the perfect masala J

Anyway, he is very cute, but totally unreliable and undependable, and the new powerful me just can’t handle that. Sorry 24, moving on. Ain’t nobody got time for that!

I have a few intentions for my trip to India. The first intention is to connect with the amazing goddess Saraswati. She is the guardian of the Ganges River and helps us to connect with music, creativity, the flow of life! My teacher Rhiona also mentioned something about the full moon, lots of planets and huge energy while I’m there. Pretty exciting. My other intention is to finally get over my ex boyfriend. Finally and permanently.  I can’t get him out of my head. It’s almost as bad as having that song “I saw the sign and it opened up my eyes” in my head. I’m sorry, now you'll have it in your head. Dammit. It’s pretty bad. You know it’s bad when your friends are sending you Huffington Post articles about how sleeping with your ex is never a good idea.  My friends realize I won’t listen to them, but perhaps, I’ll listen to Arianna Huffington.

I have a phone number for a hot Mumbai FC soccer player. Maybe I need to be forced into marriage. Maybe I need to think breaking up isn’t an option. Maybe my cousin won’t be the only one getting married…

Breaking up and breaking hearts, but open to changing my ways,

Asha Pasha

I'm Back!

Brett Favre, Michael Jordan and even Muhammed Ali are some of the world's greats, and like them (yes, I am comparing myself to the greats), I have come back out of retirement. I really believed I was retiring from singledom forever. Well single life, looks like you just can't shake me.  

This time I am trying out the online dating experience. It's been mildly painful, slightly awkward and very entertaining. Men, if you are reading this, I have some suggestions for you. If you are putting up a profile, then remember unless you are Manti Te'o, we are probably going to meet. You might want your pictures to reflect what you look like NOW, not five years ago when you were hot and in shape. One of my gentleman callers had the audacity to write that he was fit and attractive. That should've been the HUGE red flag. Who writes that anyway?? Well, surprise, surprise, he looked pregnant. If you describe yourself as fit and attractive, you might want to be. I don't know, call me crazy. Also, if your profile says you have two children, you should have two children, not four. "Oops, forgot about those other two!" Really??

This time being single feels different. I'm in my 30s now, thankfully Saturn returned and I somehow survived and had "many opportunities to grow" (aka, very shitty, painful times). I am much more confident and I have my ex-boyfriend, Steve, to thank for for that. Although our relationship was challenging (we know what that means - very shitty, painful times!), I gained so much wisdom. I have never felt so beautiful in my whole life. All those times singing Christina Aguilera "You're So Beautiful" and hours of standing in the mirror naked telling myself, despite my inner critic, "I Am Gorgeous" "My Body Is Gorgeous" "I Am Worthy Of LOVE", was finally reflected back to me. I had someone who could see the beauty within me. I could wear sweat pants and no make up and still feel like a hottie goddess. I hope one day someone is able to do that for him. He deserves it. 

I'm taking a new approach to dating, I trust myself, I feel confident, like Alicia Keys sings...THIS "girl is on FIRE!"

Hose me down, baby, P Roxy is back!

The Gambler

If You're Gonna Play The Game, You Gotta Learn To Play It Right

Genevieve says to me a few weeks ago, "Listen if you're going to try to play these games, you might want to think about winning." Hahaha. Profound. Why had I never thought about that?

I'm so bad at dating that I approved a friend request on facebook from a girl who was also dating the guy that I was dating/seeing/not really sleeping with/liked/loved/hated. And the reason that she met me is because he introduced us when they were on a date!! Nice. I really couldn't make this stuff up if I tried. So, yes, she friend requested me. I approved, mostly because I wanted to see if she was as cute as I remembered. A little facebook stalking revealed what my friends had been lying to me about. She, indeed, was cute and Rory (by the way, Rory is a fictitious name that my friend chose - don't blame me that it's lame and sounds like a dude's name) hesitantly admitted the cuteness of "strangest friend request ever." My saving grace and dear god, this is a huge saving grace, is that "strangest friend request ever" is straight up nine years younger than me. So, despite my insecurities and minor jealousies, which by the way, I have been working on for five solid years (my exboyfriend would be proud), I have to remember that I am still in the same league as a cute 21 year old. HUGE. HUGE. HUGE. As I lay in bed contemplating life, I often remember that fact and may do so for the rest of my life. Who knows? If this yoga and wrinkle cream works as well as speculated, I could remain in competition with the 20 nothing year olds well past cougar status. Watch out little girls, there is a puma on the prowl and she's all about breaking the age barrier.

I may need to keep dating younger men, so they just automatically think I'm good at dating. The worst is texting. I have decided that I cannot get dating advice from people who found their soulmate before texting. It's a whole different world. When to text, when not to text; it's a lot to think about. Genevieve advises me constantly "Okay, he's texted you once today, drop it, let him text you again tomorrow, be the winner that you are." "Yeah, but I really want to tell him this funny thing that absolutely cannot under any circumstance wait til tomorrow." "So, you are going to text him three times in a row?" Yeah. Hmmm. And although I know how to look really cool, my brain and my heart have something against me: they want me to look like the nerdiest loser ever.

Kenny Rogers please personally serenade me, "if you're gonna play the game, you gotta learn to play it right." Kenny, I desperately need you - I will be your Daniel-san. I need to "learn when to walk away and when to run." Learn when not to text and when to text. Oh and is wearing your heart on your sleeve the opposite of your recommendation of "not counting your money at the table?" Because if it is, Kenny, I have NO chance. NONE. I have a better chance of being accepted into a convent than I do at surviving the dating world which is scary and sadly true. Look out nuns, Pasha is in the house. I met someone amazing recently and I told Isabel about it and she said "Oh God, you're going to screw this up." Really?? That's how bad I am. Not only do my unsingle friends not want to live vicariously through me, but they think it's painful to be me. Ouch.

I just have to remember that "counting my money at the table" will let love and hopefully the "ace" flow on in. No matter what happens, no matter what experiences occur, keep your hearts open. We close because we think we are protecting, because we've had our hearts broken, because we've seen our parents. Our hearts will endure and we will triumph in the end. It may seem scary but do it; however, with my track record, you may be better off with good old Kenny Rogers' advice.

My belief comes from the amazing female writer, George Sand, "there is only one happiness in life, to love and be loved." Or to look like a dating dork and have your friends make fun of you endlessly.
Playing the game wrong since 1994,
~P. Roxy

I'll Never Love Again

"I'lI Never Love Again" Hand's down one of the world's greatest break up quotes by my friend Isabel that now, years later, we totally make fun of her about. This line epitomizes about a year of a break up disaster. Her ex boyfriend treated her like crap. If you treat my friend like she's your least favorite shoes, I will take you down.
So, back to "I'll Never Love Again" girl, she now has a fabulous boyfriend that most single women covet, including yours truly.
It's so easy for us to get sucked into the drama of a break up. This drama of hers wreaked havoc on our lives. It ruined many what could have been amazing Market St Grille brunches, wasted with tears over Asperger. Ew. Not only the brunches, but the 2am crying phone calls. I think I gained a wrinkle during that time. The wrinkle created by this break up needed to be eradicated immediately. I bought the most expensive "wrinkle not" cream. Isabel, I think you should pay for it. I'm almost 30, a youthful face is imperative for maintaining my puma status.
Recently, I found myself falling for the 24 year old. Yes, my friends called me the phony blog writer for going back after swearing "never going back again."
As I finally ended it with 24, I thought I might never find anyone as interesting, adorable and lovable as him and then I remembered Isabel's line "I'll Never Love Again" and brought to mind her awesome, loving, new boyfriend and thought "yeah, I'll be fine."
To all you beautiful people who need to end it, but fear you'll "Never Love Again," you will and it'll be even better. Remember, "It Must've Been Love", but it sure as hell is over now.
To quote Tom Petty, "It's time to move on. Time to get going. What lies ahead I have no way of knowing. Under my feet, baby, grass is growing. Time to move on. Time to get going." To letting go and starting fresh.
Happy Spring,
~P. Roxy

Can Anybody Find Me Somebody To Love??

Queen put it so succinctly when they sang "Can anybody find me somebody to love?" Their emphasis on those seven words connects us clearly to that deep longing. "Oh Lord. Somebody, somebody. Can anybody find meeeee somebody toooooo looooove?"

Finding love, finding a partner, finding a soulmate can feel like an uphill battle. Almost as as painful as paying off a christmas credit card bill. Call me the modern day Erin Brockovich, except my fight is for love, for partnership, for a soulmate and I won't settle. After writing down the qualities that I am looking for in a partner and realizing that 27 might be a bit much, I looked inward. Do I even possess these qualities? Then, I remembered during my last break up, my very soon to be ex-boyfriend declaring "So, you want to date yourself?" Holy hell. Was he right? Am I that fabulous? Maybe Jackie's dad's words "Don't settle" have become too cemented in my brain. He was drunk and he did say it about a hundred times. Wow, I didn't realize "don't settle" was such a powerful sanskrit mantra.

As if hearing from my family members every time I see them "are you dating someone?" wasn't downright stressful enough, add in living with my family members - my parents. The high point of my life came when my father, in his Indian accent, called me out and claimed "you are no spring chicken." Now say it to yourself in an Indian accent. Yes, it does sound worse because it sounds true. OUCH!! Yeah dad, by the way, that's because you totally cock block me. I adored one guy; one evening he so sweetly came in to meet my parents - the important word here is meet, that means first time ever. Ohhhh, I learned my lesson. "Dad, this is John, John this is my dad." "Oh hey John, great to meet you, can't wait to meet your parents." Screech. Yes, the record stopped. LOUDLY. Umm, yeah, that was the last time he met my parents. Now, I tell men who so kindly pick me up at my parents' that I'll come out to meet them - down the street!

The best is when I walk in to my parents' in the morning. My mom asks "Where were you?" "Oh I slept at Rory's" "Oh you sleep there a lot, doesn't her boyfriend care?" Another one of her famous lines besides "You are too picky" is "When are you going to find someone?" AHHHHH. I don't know Mom maybe when they make men as cool as me, sooo probably not anytime soon.

Brett Dennen said it best, "Follow your heart and you won't get lost." I have made a vow to follow my heart, to find someone who "completes me" in the fullest sense of the word, to not settle.

May all you goddesses live from your heart, follow your truth, and always remember you won't get lost. And embodying the spirit of Cleopatra, don't settle. Wait for your Mark Antony; he'll be worth it.
Oh, and if you find me somebody to love, call me.
~P. Roxy